Big John's Blog

WTF

Saw these two kids playing the most disturbing game ever today. I didnt, ney couldnt, ask them what it was called or if they just made it up on the spot. These two kids (seventh graders) were waiting until the other person wasnt paying attention and then grabbing each other by the crotch. What in the hell?!? And not just a brief smack or anything (as I have been known to play the tip slapping game on occasion.) But they would grab and get a good hold while the other person tried to squirm away in utter pain. WOW. Now that its official, im gonna give it an official name. The JUNK GRAB.

I can see this exchange sometime in the future.

A: Hey man, wanna play the JUNK GRAB?
B: Naw man, you totally crushed one of my testes last time.
A: Ill let you go first!
B: ... ok!

(Grabs junk)

Still seeing things on a daily basis for which there is no rational explaination.

The 45th The 4th Block Inter Junior High School English Oritorial Contest

I cant even begin to explain the banner that was proudly displayed at the speech contest yesterday. But I guess it would make me a huge hypocrite to fuck with anyone about spelling or grammar. But since theyre Japanese and will never read this page, what the hell. I wanted to change the name to one that would truly make the Japanese happy. How about -- The 45th The 4th Block Inter Junior High School English Oritorical Contest For Students Who Want to Improve Intercultural Relations and To Impress Other Students and Family.

Anyway, we had three students compete in this regional contest and they did pretty well. We had two students advance to the prefectural contest. Which means I will be listening to those speaches another million times, but it also means that it will be over by next Friday. Great. Except there is another contest after that. The students have to memorize a different speech for that one so at least we will get a little bit of variety in there. That contest isnt until the beginning of November, so like the hurricane season in the Gulf this year, Im not out of the woods yet.

The Kyushu Trip

As part of my assignment to totally internationalize myself, I finally made it down to Kyushu to see Doug and Kara. I had to go because Doug was starting to get mad at me. He has come up to Kansai three times now without any kind of reciprocation but he should know as well as any girl I have dated that reciprocation is not my strong suit.

Otherwise, started my trip down there on the bullet train. Got a pretty cheap deal (about $250 bucks, damn Japan is expensive) and it only took about 4.5 hours to get down there. I love the message on the overhead board on the train that flashes, "You are now traveling at 300 km/hr!" Im sure you are all impressed.

So Doug and Kara met me at the train station in Isahaya. Doug has always complained about two things. Here they are in numbered form.

1. Where he lives, the Shimabara Peninsula, is highly inaka (in the middle of fucking nowhere in Japanese) and inexcessible. and . . .

2. The roads are fucking dangerous.

Well--

I have always accused Doug of a few things. Here they are in bullet points*

- He's dramatic
- He's always making shit up
- Being obsessed with his own hair, he-llo!
- Being a somewhat aggressive driver
- the list goes on and on

well--

Doug was right, Shimabara Peninsula is the middle of fucking nowhere. We had to drive about 50 minutes to get from the Isahaya train station to Kara's house. To put that into perspective, I have to walk 7 minutes to my nearest main train station. Damn! Not to mention, Kara lives directly underneath a fucking volcano! Who lives near a volcano? Kara does. Doug lives another 20 minutes or so farther than Kara. Good lawd, thats far!

And driving there is really dangerous. Part of that is due to the fact that the roads are really narrow, steep and winding so that the speed limit is really low, 50 km/hr in most places, and because Doug is from California and cant wait for shit, he has to drive 20 over (kara too, dont worry Doug I wasnt gonna leave her out). It was a miracle we didnt plummet off a cliff to our deaths.

Near death aside, we had fun, hung out on the hanto for Thursday and Friday night and I got to meet some cool people. First, chronologically, was Shin. Shin is Kara's local bartender. Cool ass dude, plays amazing music, has an outstanding record collection and speaks decent English. Didnt even really sweat it when our party drank so much that ice became, in his words, sold out. I didnt know he was charging for the ice, but can I get a discount if I ask for no ice, I dont think so.

I also got to meet a couple of JET's -- Jenny and Lana. They were cool, had interesting things to say, and were just chill people in general. Jenny is from the Detroit area so I spent some time ribbing her about being from the suburbs which she promptly discounted and told me to go fuck myself (but much sweeter way) which I respected highly.

On Friday afternoon, we got to head out to this waterfall near Dougs house and it was awesome. About 30 or 40 feet high and underneath there were these awesome red rocks. A good time was had by all. Now all we need to do is to get Jenny to send me those pics and you will be able to see for yourself. Look for that in the next post. We also went to an ocean onsen and we sat around with naked Japanese guys for an hour or so right on the bay. It was nice. Would probably be a great place to watch the sunset but I was working on my bikini lines.

TO BE CONTINUED

* figured out after I wrote that, that I didnt know how to make bullet points in this window

The Shimabara Hanto from the ferry.

Part 2

So seeing where Doug actually lives was interesting. It was very inaka but really beautiful. Mountainous and green with endless rice fields in steep valleys. Quite a peaceful place and having Doug and Kara there certainly increased the piece content of the whole island.

On Saturday, we went up to Fukuoka. Doug and Kara thought it best that we hitchhike up there as it would save us money. Sounded good to me. Doug thought we could do it in about three hours and he was pretty accurate. We had to hitch to the ferry port (30 minutes) and then get a ride from the ferry to Fukuoka which was maybe 150 km. (Notice how I'm all metric now) we got it done in three rides. The first guy was scary. Went I saw him down the road I could be quoted as saying, "Thats guys a pervert!" and he immediately stopped to pick us up. He had the dirtest car of an Japanese person I have ever seen. A empty bad of McDonalds fell out when I open the door but he got us all the way to the ferry. He actually called Doug three times that night in Fukuoka. Weirdo!

The ferry ride was nice, sun shining, wind whipping perfect temperature.

Doug and Kara were so into hitching that they were even trying to get a ride when we already had one on the ferry.

So we got off the ferry and ran in front of the cars hoping to get one of the many Fukuoka plates to take us to our destination. But, alas, it wasnt meant to be. But about 10 minutes into trying to look as sexy as I can, standing next to the road, this guy walks up to us and tells us that he can take us farther toward out goal. We walk back to his car, a sweet ass Benz. I guess god wanted us to ride in style. He had just gotten back from a trip to Utah and apparently didnt get enough of America. He took us about an hour down the road. I figured that this car was so nice that karma would dictate that our next ride would be in the worst car ever constructed. In the meantime, check out how stressful this journey was. Kara was right at home, missing her former luxury car, I'm sure.

We get out of that ride right at a major interchange and narrowly avoid being sideswiped. I didnt see it but Doug swears his asshole ** almost fell out from so much clenching. We immediatly caught our ride to Fukuoka. A Junior High math teacher, no less. All in all, for my first hitching experience, it was pretty fucking easy.

Fukuoka is the biggest city on the island. Its got more than a million people and is a little bit like Osaka only smaller and cleaner. I met a bunch more interesting people, as well. It was the birthday of Doug and Kara's friend, Revital (got no idea how thats actually spelled). Her boyfriend Aaron who lived in New Orleans for a time, is R's boyfriend and hilarious. It struck me as soon as I met him that he was just a big ass kid. He was reading out of this book, cant remember what it was called, but it had to do with how to say really inappropriate things in Japanese. He would read the English outloud and burst out laughing and read the Japanese really loud for a few others. Someone, somewhere was mortified, but I was loving it. Safe to say, I liked him a lot. Someone who really understands dick and fart jokes on so many levels.

Also got reunited with Jon, who came and stayed with me last month as he was trying to find a way to leave this shitty american military base town he lived in. He's a cool guy, really chill and likes to have a good time. Also has some of the sexiest ex girlfriends I have ever seen. Sweet Jesus.

There was also Pete, the beer drinking Scottsman who didnt drink Scotch???? Groundskeeper Willy is doing summersaults in his grave as we speak. As I said, he could drink beer though, and plenty of it. Fit in really well with the crew cause he said some of the most inappropriate shit, we loved him from the start. Just ask about his hemmoroids.

R's b-day was at this place called The Lock Up. It was an old fashioned dungeon really done up and over the top. Every table was in a little jail cell. Nice motif. All you can eat and drink for 30 bucks. We wore those waiters out. Damn! They also had people in masks and shit running out trying to scare the shit out of people. The Japanese are into this kind of thing, pretending to be scared by this kind of stuff, where as the im too cool to be scared gaijin just ignore the guys in the masks. They also had the hot ass, dominatrix crossed with flight attendent women working there, smoking!

After dinner, we went to a hip hop club that was OK. At some point, out on the dance floor, four dudes surround me and start molesting me. Grabbing the boobs and everything. I wonder what the conversation leading up to that was. Maybe something like this. . .

First guy: "Hey, theres a big ass white dude over there, wanna go and grope him and see what he does?"

Others: "Hell yeah, I see nothing wrong with that! Hes probably drunk enough."

Im not gonna lie, I liked it.

So after harassment I went outside and sat on the curb and, lo and behold, right across the street was . . .

Dude, Big John's Steak House. How awesome is that?

The rest of the night was drunkenly stumbling around Fukuoka trying to find somewhere to sleep and crashing at this internet cafe.

All in all, had a freaking great time. Good to see Doug and Kara and its so easy to do it. Im gonna have to go back real soon. There are having a New Orleans benefit concert next month. Gonna try and make it down there for that.

FIN

** It was in good shape when we left the onsen

THE WEDDING

So, folks, here it is. The final post about my vacation. The wedding was a wonderful occasion. Can't remember the name of the church but it was pretty nice. I have driven by that place so many times but never been inside. Quite nice.

The ceremony preceeded only about twenty minutes late despite the ministers claim that, "Someone is getting married at 1 o'clock." He obviously didnt know the Prather-Love party very well. He also didnt know that if AP wasnt on time (that would have been my fault) then I was next in line to get married. I guess I would have deserved that. We could have had some strange impromtu wedding between me and some brides maid. That would have been interesting. Despite what the minister said, it was AP and Jonetta that got hitched.

The service was nice. Good music, people looking nice and fresh. Best ushers on the planet. These guys have nerves of steel. The whole service hinges on their ability to get the job done right. And they did, forget about pressure. They dont feel pressure. The minister (who has got nerves of steel as well) also, obviously, believes in expedience. No dilly-dallying or any such thing. He may have done the whole service in one breath. Quite the professional.

The brides maids were lovely women. The flowergirls cute as ever. The groomsmen, highly inappropriate. I think if you added our collective maturity levels for the whole week, we behaved like a collective 8 years old. Thats between five people, folks. But thats the way we have always been, and that was the way it was supposed to be. Was anyone worried about anything? Not these dudes. Kept it light, and everyone laughing. The only pressure that I felt started at about 11 am when AP hit me with the ring. I swear to God that thing weighed 50 pounds. So how did I almost lose it during the service? The world may never know. When they asked for the rings, AP had to pat me down to find that thing. Those boxes like to hide in crevices.

If I had to give the wedding a name, and I did, it would have to be, "The All Rick James Quote Wedding." At the beginning of week someone started spewing quotes from the Chapelles Show skit about Rick James. So there were countless references to "Unity!" and for me, "Smoke with your old boy Rick James!" not to mention the occasional, "That was cooooold blooded!" among others. To compound all this, Will had the Rick James ring tones which he didnt mind playing in the church during the rehersal. Its a wonder that any of us kept it together during the lighting of the unity candle when some unknown groomsman whispered that fateful word. And thank God no one actually pulled out the ring commemorating Rick James' hit, and told AP to use it on his new bride. Thank god.

Overall, it was a great time, as you can tell by the pictures, this was one of those rare opportunities to bring together all those people who you really love but havent seen in ages. AP is well known for doing that. He is a unity master, if you will.

Im wishing for years and years of happiness for the bride and groom. TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM!!!!!

PEACE!

The proud parents + proud groom.

UNITEEEEEEEE! Nuff said.

Here are the flowergirls. First we have Helen and behind her is Angelica. I love Helen. She was totally cool. She was probably the most mature person in the whole wedding party. Shes gonna make a kick ass adult.

You rock Helen. Dont ever change!

Another gratuitous one of me. Man, I cut a mean rug, slippers or not. Think this one is the moon walk. Eat your heart our Michael!

Another one of the best men. Of all the pics I have, Ben is the smilingest person at this wedding. I will agree with him. It was an awesome time.

This is AP's sister Diara and her daughter Angelica. Cute, eh?

Heres one of all the best men. Turn around Tee! Let people see that outfit.

The Frat House pt. deux

If you havent read part 1 yet, scroll down and give it a gander before you take in this gem.

THE SAGA OF THE BASEMENT BATHROOM

So anyway, they had this awesome BBQ at the concert. I had to leave midway through the third act and go hang out at another BBQ with an old friend. This friend is older, mid thirties about, and thus his friends are a little older than the nineteen-somethings I had been hanging with previously. We began to talk about Japan and my work. Finally the topic switched to where I was staying. I began regailing them with tales of the frat house. One guy, Jeff, who is about forty maybe, is an alumni, played hockey (self described 14th string goalie, if memory serves and it doesnt always, mind you) and overall enjoyed campus life. At one point in the conversation he turns to me and says in a low whisper, so the ladies cant hear, "Take me with you." It was one of the funniest and saddest damn things I had ever heard. And it also made me realize that I had managed to live the dream of all older men in the entire world. I got a chance to go back. Deep man.

But, as usual, I digress. A day before the concert some friends and I crashed in the house. We woke to find that the toilet in the bathroom was clogged. Rob immediately blamed me. It could have been, but Im thinking it wasnt. Remember, I got that thing about memory. Anyway, during the concert the basement bathroom was the designated pissing spot for the concert goers. Of course, communication was not at a premium and this bathroom, right next to Rob's room, had no out of order sign. I managed to stop three dudes from going in there at one point, though I dont know what they were all doing trying to go in there at the same time. Never really dawned on me to make a sign.

This brings us to Mike Koon (spelling's wrong but someone will help me out). Mike and I actually met in high school. He was either the same age as me or one year younger. He was friends with one of my good friends from when I was young, Christian (who is getting married by the way, Congrats man!). Anyway, suffice it to say that Mike and I have embarassing stories about each other.

Ass fluffing aside, Mike takes a huge BBQ shit into this out of order toilet. Disaster ensues. Needless to say, this poor toilet is choked with some big logs. Bowl swelling like the amazon after a big downpour.

Mike, being the good man that he is, goes out the the plumbing supply store, buys a shitload of stuff to fix this thing. He has got a snake and everything. But alas, he cant fix the problem but manages to get shit all over the floor in the bathroom.

--I know that I mentioned earlier that the house was pretty clean, but you have to realize those are relative terms.--

So there are these little landmine size shit packets on the floor in the bathroom for a couple days. Which wouldnt be so bad seeing as how the bathroom is out of order, but that was my lone shower refuge. So I could be seen tiptoeing through the mine field on my way to the shower. By the time I left the house, i looked into the bathroom and saw this; Landmines still in tact, less one poor soul, the toilet lid closed and a rubber woman (we'll call her Paris, to protect the innocent) straddling the toilet, the floor soping wet, and most mysterious, what loooked like an old bowl of speghetti-o's soaking in water (with spoon) on the sink. I dont know where the bowl came from but Im pretty sure I know the origin of Paris. Something to do with my brother, the safe sex store and 30 bucks. I think sex with Paris is the safest sex you can have, by the way.

All, this to say, I had THE MOST AWESOME time on this vacation. Friends and well wishers everywhere. Love from every angle. It was absolutely outstanding. These posts cannot even properly do it justice as I cant even tell you guys the really good stories. Maybe if you aske me nicely, I might throw a nugget or two your way but dont even expect to know everything that went down.

Don't change a thing Zeta Psi. Highly cood my friends, highly cood!

The Frat House Pt. 1.

On my recent trip back to The States I visited Ann Arbor for a good eight days. While I was there, I stayed with Fernando and Arthi for a couple of days but spent the bulk of my time staying with Rob in the Zeta Psi Fraternity House. Now normally I think fraternities are a bit fruity but there was something about this one, I just cant put my finger on what, that really spoke to me. Well, let me try to explain.

First of all, it was Welcome Week at Michigan. For those of you who dont know what Welcome Week is, its that time of the school year when everyone has made it back to campus but classes havent started yet. So its kind of like what everyone thinks college is before they ever get to campus. To give you an idea, I drove past a house on State St. that had a huge sign up front with an arrow pointing inside that read:

FRESHMAN ORIENTATION
(GIRLS ONLY!!)

the exclaimation points were emphasized.

So needless to say there were a lot of Freshman girls everywhere but we all know that Im far too old for them.

I stayed at the Zeta Psi House for six days and they had a party EVERY SINGLE NIGHT I was there. DAMN!

Now, back when I was in college, lo those many moons ago, I like to play Beruit (or Beer Pong as it is better known). These dudes have taken the game to such a high level its not a game anymore, its an art form. I have never seen a group of people so devoted to the finer points of Beer Pong. With rules posted and the no leaning rule being closly monitored, good fun was had by all. I wish I had gotten a picture of the rules sheet (maybe Ill get Rob to send me something for part 2 of the series), which by being so tatered and sad looking, can only mean it has been used way too much. They even decided at one point to remove one of the rules, but instead using a black marker and drawing a line through it, they physically burned the rule off the sheet. Thats dedication to the point of obsession. Its amazing how accurate they got with the burning too. This can only be a sign of binge drinking to the excess and a true love for the sport of Beer Pong. All I can say is, Salud!

As an aside, I would like to say at this point, that Zeta Psi is one of the cleaner frat houses I have ever been in. They cleaned a lot while I was there (no thanks to me) because, well there was a shitload of stale beer to be mopped up at all times. This is the one drawback of having a party every night and praying to the beer pong gods on a nightly basis..

Wednesday, my first night in the house, was AP's bachelor party. The guys were nice enough to let us use the house for the first stage of our party. We played pong and spades and generally had a good time. Thats about all I can say about that.

On Friday, I awoke (at 330 pm) to a concert. These guys had actually planned a breast cancer / Hurricane Katrina benefit concert right on their front lawn. They had four bands play, they sold gatorade, and Rob ran the grill. Let me tell you what, he hooked it up, I had to catch myself and had to say, "No Mas" after two. You know me, Im watching my figure.

But I found it exceptionally cool that these guys care about stuff. Whereas the prevailing idea is that frat boys are date rapists and coke heads these guys actually took the time to setup a good Welcome Week event and show that they believe in social responsibility and shit. It was really cool. Unfortunately, the UofM student body showed itself less socially responsible and didnt show up in good enough numbers. The student body, for the most part, has been lacking some heart at least since I have been there. Maybe that would explain our recent defeat to those shitty ass Irish. Lets Go Blue, get your heads out of your asses. But kudos to the boys at Zeta Psi.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

The reception

Man, what a blast we had at AP's wedding. But until Mom figures out how to download the actual wedding pics off her camera you guys will have to enjoy pictures of the reception.

We had a great time at the reception. We did have the problem of getting the bride and groom to the reception site in a reasonable amount of time but we were dealing with the Prathers here so some time delay was to be expected. I was fine by that because the bartenders were hooking it up! They were a little camera shy but such an important aspect of the reception party that they should not be forgotten.

The Best Men

Me and Ben soaking up our Best Men glory. I tell you what, there aint a damn thing wrong with being one of the best men at a wedding and being able to hang with one of your best friends of all time for a whole week. I love you, man!

The beautiful and talented Ms. Geetha couldnt-pronounce-her-last-name-to-save-me-life. We had an awesome time for the whole week. Her Sangria drinking skills are second only to Tarians.

Glad big Rob was there to share the occasion with us. AP is like one of the family and it is great that he got to share the moment with Rob, Mom and me. Thats true love there.

AP and Jonetta basking in wedded bliss. I have heard that term before but never have I figured out what that means. Does wedded bliss actually exist? Is it an Urban Legend? Is that smile due to the fact that AP hasnt realized how much he paid for the ring yet? Hehe, just kidding.

Take that tequila to the dome, big fella!

A bunch of folks enjoying the reception the way it was meant to be enjoyed. Dry. What?!? I didnt say that, it was a typo. (but true)

From the back left; Carlin, Brian, Erica, Mark, Tamika, Tarian, Will, Cherise, Chuck Diesel and Norma

Here is Al and Tarian cutting a rug. These were the two flyest dudes at the wedding if you dont count me.

Just got back from my trip to America. Many stories will follow. Let me tell you that I had one awesome time. I got to see a cubs game and sit in the bleachers, see some awesome Chi jazz, got to see my best friend married and totally embarrased at the bachelor party, also got to see (in Chronological order to the best of my fading mnemory) Leslie, Dan, Julie, Haady, Dana, Dad and his finacee, Rob, Fern, Arthi, Geetha, Mom, Debbie Sue, Becky, Liam, Mike, Aunt Ruth, Shelly, Toni, Ben, Tarian, Al, Chuck Deisel, AP, Jonetta, AP's Folks, Penni, Erica, Norma, Keith, Carlin, Tamika, Cherise, Diara, Uncle Vern, Marty and Fumiaki. Damn, hope I didnt forget anyone. I also met a bunch of new folks along the way that helped to make my vacation something extremely special: Julie, all the brother of Zeta Psi, Scott, the Mikes, Dave, etc. I got more love than maybe I deserve.

And I tell you all this with a heavy heart. I spent a great three years of my life in New Orleans. Became a man in my time there. Hopefully did some good work to improve myself and others. But now, the city has literally been washed away. I have heard from Mark and Andrea and they made it out safely with Melanie and Jake and I have heard that Janet is safe. But what about the nearly 800 students that I taught in three years? Many of their families with no cars, so how would they ever evacuate? I have gotten two emails from students saying that they were ok and that the school and New Orleans East has been totally devastated.

I gave a speech at the wedding talking about how we should cherish all the blessings of life. This vacation was one of those. I have been given so many blessings. As have all the readers of this page. So, it is our duty to help. Doug and Kara (both teachers in New Orleans and now living in Kyushuu in Japan) are having a benefit concert this weekend. Thats awesome. The people of Japan want to help and they are giving them an avenue. Ive got to see where I fit into this thing. Got some planning to do. What will we do with all that we have been given when so many people in the world have so little?